i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Randomize
