i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
