Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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