I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize