did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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