My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
the liver wants what the liver wants
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
