my mouth tastes like poor choices
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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