Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Randomize
