She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
