i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
