we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
