Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
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