70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Randomize
