Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
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