I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
