i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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