I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
