Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
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