broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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