tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
