11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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