if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
This baby is an asshole
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
