I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
