Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
