he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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