Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
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