Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
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Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
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So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
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