Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
