I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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