i permit you to call me
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
