This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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