dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
