last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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