Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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