the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
