im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Shame - the story of my life.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
