don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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