Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
