if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
