i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
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just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
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And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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