I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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