Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
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How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
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MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
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