I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
