I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
