I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
