I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
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