farters have to be the big spoon...
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
