Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
She even gives head with a lisp.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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