Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
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