so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
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