The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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