I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Randomize
