I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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