So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
