FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
false alarm, still single
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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