overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
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