Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
