I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Randomize
