I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
