Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
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