you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
