I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
weddingsv make me drug and hornr
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
