So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
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Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Why are your pants in the freezer?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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