i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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