Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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