I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
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Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
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You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
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